“I hear similar phrases from many adults. Simple things seem complex and perceived as something inherent in birth.”, – WRITE: www.pravda.com.ua
It is difficult for me to ask …
I am constantly busy… The feeling that life goes by me…
My opinion is not taken into account, I’m not important …
Conflicts are the worst, I never conflict…
Sometimes I am overwhelmed by emotions and I do not possess myself, and then my heart hurts …
I am silent about what I don’t like, to be angry badly…
I hear similar phrases from many adults. Simple things seem complex and perceived as something inherent in birth.
“I can’t refuse, I am already a person …”
But this is just a belief formed by experience. The person acts again and again according to the old scheme and thus determines the future.
Good news – such beliefs are not a sentence, it is a shortage of basic psyche skills. And if we have learned to keep a spoon, write letters and say “good day”, you can also learn. The mechanism is the same. You need knowledge, purpose, a little faith, perseverance and repetition, as in sports, when you train your muscles.
There are four basic psyche skills:
- Mental involvement – to be in reality, to see, to hear, to feel
- Interpersonal efficiency – build relationships
- Emotional regulation – to understand and express all your emotions
- Stress resistance – to cope with stress and move on
What is mental involvement Mental involvement – It is a conscious participation of a person in life.
The awareness has a part of the “witness” – the one who sees the facts and captures them. It is the ability to be at the same time the author and witness himself, namely:
- Watch – to see your emotions, thoughts, feelings in the body from metapolitan, to look at yourself.
Distinguish observation from the event itself to create a space between the stimulus and the reaction and have a pause to make a decision on how to react.
I feel anger – I watch I feel anger.
- Describe Verbally the current moment – where am I? What is happening? What are my emotions and feelings in the body? What do I think about it? How am I action?
The description helps to check the connection – I respond to the fact or my interpretation of the fact.
“The girlfriend refused to go with me to the movies” – Fact.
“Nobody loves me, I don’t need anyone” – a negative interpretation of the fact.
- Be involved – to concentrate on the residence of all emotions, not try to get rid of them, change to others, seal, request alcohol, and to be extinguished.
Learn to withstand your emotions, as adults do. The baby cannot tolerate, he yells, cries and requires that the unpleasant emotion disappears. An adult can. Because he knows that any emotion or thought will change, another will come. After all, life changes constantly.
- Be not critical – Do not condemn yourself or others. Not to evaluate the events as good or as bad. Do not summarize, do not replace the concept. Call things as they are.
“I can’t do anything with this, I’m worthless and powerless” – depreciation, criticism, evaluation, generalization.
“I’m lost now and have no ready -made solution” – Reality without criticism.
All, nothing, all, no one, always, never – markers that thinking is now in a state of criticality, generalizations and interpretations outside of reality.
- Be focused – To focus on something at a particular time.
If I have breakfast now, then I am chewing, I feel tastes, I get pleasure, I distinguish soft and crunchy, and not the iPhone to decide where I will go on vacation. If I work – I don’t think about unwashed windows.
What is it mIzhifativism efficiency Interpersonal efficiency – It is conscious communication with others.
Any act of effective communication simultaneously Includes three tasks:
- Reach the target
- Keep self -respect
- Save the relationship
In the balance sheet, each participant feels pleasure and seeks to continue the relationship. When we focus on something more, another area suffers. It is difficult to maintain self -esteem when you adapt to the desires of another for the sake of maintaining relationships.
Reach the target Ask – contact another to meet your needs. The difference between a request and a requirement that you may refuse. You can withstand it.
You can also refuse another person’s request, and he will withstand it. It is easier to ask when you know that people in nature love to be good and help.
Refuse – Do not agree to do what you do not want or cannot. You can explain why you refuse, you can say “no” without explanation. But with respect that the other person feels in your voice, will see in the eyes and expression of the face.
Conflict – Find a decision that takes into account, but does not always satisfy, the interests of all parties. Conflicts are inevitable, they are an integral part of communication. We are different and our interests are different.
Competition, adjustment, compromise, consensus, avoidance – five permissible conflict behavior strategies. Choose what is the best and safest for you here and now. Change strategies. If you always choose the same, it is worth realizing and considering the consequences.
Only one is unacceptable – a scandal.
Save the relationship Praise – reinforce positive behavior. There is a lot to praise. Conditionally – how good you have helped and certainly rejoice that we work together. The more we praise, the more a person wants to repeat good behavior.
Criticize – give feedback to a person that is not suitable.
In the absence of criticism, another person has no reason to change the behavior that is unacceptable to you. We criticize the actions, not the person himself.
Criticism is respectful of depreciation, condemnation, humiliation or accusation.
The closer the relationship, the more expanded, sincere and spontaneous every praise, critic, refusal should be. That the interlocutor feels important. Praise three times for one critical remark and the relationship will be saved.
Keep self -respect Respect – own values, ideas, achievements, activities. To trust your moral landmarks.
To acquire skills – to act, learn, develop competence, efficiency. To achieve goals, to overcome obstacles, to meet life’s trial. Become the main character of your life.
Be assertive – Practice a confident, friendly behavior that is inherent in:
- Positive Thinking – Settings to a good conversation result,
- empathic hearing – attentiveness, respect, interest,
- body language – out, facial expression, facial expressions, gestures, visual contact,
- language – speak from “I”, specifically, without templates and shortcuts, not asking for more than necessary,
- sincerity and spontaneity – presence, express feelings, move into communication, d Im, and not avoid,
- The tone of voice is measured, confident, adult, with energy, pauses and stresses, not too quiet or loud,
- Humor, immediacy – to smile, to be a diplomat, to facilitate communication, to discharge the situation.
Emotional regulation Emotions arise as reactions to our needs from the most basic to the most demanding.
Authentic, natural emotions – anger, fear, sadness and joy. The child is born with them, and it is enough to be in contact with themselves and others, to make decisions and to live life.
Here we have three tasks:
- Identify emotion – I’m angry, I’m sad, I’m scared.
- To understand your needsIn – I’m tired, I’m hungry, I did not receive recognition or care, I did not stop the aggression against my address.
- Express their emotions verbally – Use the formula: To name a fact or event – to name your emotions – to name your needs – to ask (to refuse, to convey the opinion) to change the situation.
If emotions are not expressed, they settle in us and look for a way out. It can be another person, most often someone is close, or a body where restrained emotions are converted into psychosomatic tension and illness.
Stress resistance Stress resistance Now has become extremely relevant because the stress of Ukrainians has become chronic for several years. A person has been stressed for centuries, and therefore we have powerful tools, how to cope with distress – a kind of stress when the ability of the psyche to cope less than the load.
Helps:
- Comfort, distract and reassure yourself -to return from anxious thoughts to the reality with the help of the body, that is, the sensual sphere-to touch, to look, to sniff, to listen, to taste, to taste anything personally for you; possess stabilization techniques – breathing, relaxation, meditation; Doing what brings joy to celebrate life as a daily practice.
- Find meaning – In current events and the future, to help and accept help, to engage in spiritual growth, to have teachers and mentors.
The psyche learns in practice. The formation of new neural bonds requires time and repetition. Take a look at your life and make decisions what skills could make it better. Dedicate every month of daily practice.
If you train “ask”, then ask – to open the door, to make coffee, to help with a suitcase, to be with your baby.
If you “watch” – look at something beautiful every day, look at the details, explore.
The psyche is evolutionarily seeking development and successfully learns for old age. She is by your side.
Teaching useful skills – It’s not just a new behavior. It is a true path of spiritual growth, love for yourself, respect for others and freedom to be yourself.
Natalia Kleinopsychology, business trainer, sub-sector, co-presenter of the You-Tube show “Nesamotni”, especially for the UP. Life
Publications in the “Look” are not editorial articles and reflect the author’s point of view.